“If Not Now, When?”
Making Changes While Doing Life
Story by Gerardo Menchaca // Photography by Abraham Menor

I was born on July 10th 1964, in Crystal City.   I remember my mother and father moving around a lot.   At one point in my life, my mother and father left me to live with my grandmother, on my father's side in Crystal City.   My grandmother was the greatest influence in my childhood and I am very close to her.

My mother and father left me to live with my grandmother for several years.   In the mean time they moved around until they settled in San Jose, California.   My father and mother had one more child, my sister, in 1965 but separated soon after.   My mother had another son and struggled to raise her four children as a single parent.   My mother ended up marrying again and had a fifth child, my baby sister.

Taking me away from my grandmother had a great impact on me.   I was very happy living with my grandmother.   She would spend a lot of time with me and I inherited many of my moral values from my grandmother.   She is a very selfless person and showed me how to care for others.   When my parents took me away from my grandmother, I was very sad.   I did not want to leave her and I resented my parents for taking me away from her.   I started getting in trouble at a very early age.   I do not know if missing my grandmother had anything to do with it, but I did rebel against my mother and step father.

I looked up to my older brother and wanted to be just like him.   He smoked so I smoked too.   I try to dress like him and talk like him as well.   I was eight years old when I started smoking and it was also around this time that I first went to juvenile hall for the first of several times.   I started drinking alcohol at around nine years old.   Most of my friends did not drink or smoke at that time, but a few years later most of my friends did.   I had a lot of fun as a kid most of the trouble I got into was fighting or drinking too much.   Eventually, I went to live with my grandmother again.   I stayed with her until I was eleven years old.

During my time away, my friends had changed in many ways.   They dressed in khaki pants and Pendleton shirts.   I had long hair and did not fit in right away, but a few days after returning to San Jose, I cut my hair and combed it back like most of the other Chicano kids.

Eventually, I became more involved in partying and fighting.   I ended up going to the Youth Authority after escaping from the Boys' Ranch in Morgan Hill, California.   In the Youth Authority I continued living the same way and even partied in there.   I smoked marijuana and experimented with other drugs.

In 1983, when I was released from the Youth Authority, I married and started a family.   I tried to stay out of trouble, but I got involved into drugs and alcohol.   I ended up in prison for selling drugs and after serving a sentence of three years, I was paroled.   I tried to live the family life and I also worked as a roofer for a labor union in San Jose.   I worked during the day and partied after work.   It was my way of life.   I also went fishing a lot, but even then I would party while fishing.   I'll go bowling and that revolved around partying.   Unfortunately, it was on such an occasion that I ended up in a situation that resulted in the death of a man and imprisonment for life for myself and one of my best friends, whom I consider my brother.

So here I am doing a life sentence.   My best friend, who I consider my brother, is sitting in a cell just a few feet away.   We have been through a lot together in the 16 years of prison life.   We have spent nearly three years of that on lock down.   Throughout that time we mostly went to the yard and played handball, played cards, or other similar activities.   Every now and then violence would break out and we will find ourselves on another lock down.

In February 2002, my brother and I were transferred to San Quentin from Soledad.   It was here that my brother and I got involved in the Patten University College Program.   My brother was one of the founding members of the San Quentin T.R.U.S.T Program (Teaching Responsibility Utilizing Sociological Training).   After graduating from the year plus long curriculum (workshops) I joined the T.R.U.S.T as a facilitator.

During the year long workshops I took the steps to learn about how our history and culture determine our values.   I thought about this and remembered many of the things that my grandmother had taught me.   I realized that she did not teach me to behave badly and that behavior came after I moved away from her.   My culture is a beautiful culture that values itself on family and community unity.   I learned that I had to purge much of the negative behaviors that I had picked up along the way.   Workshops like “Male/Female Relationships” and   “Parenting” classes helped me see the mistakes that I had made in the relationships that I was involved in.   I know that I am still a work in progress, but it is through the T.R.U.S.T program that I am progressing forward.   I am involved in a program that is changing lives by helping others see their faults in their value system while offering an alternative that is based on family and community.