Prison Of My Soul
A Couple Deals With Abortion
Story by Pablo // Art by Wesley Vara

What I am about to write is shameful for me, for I have been irresponsible, and a life has been forsaken because of it.

I recently went with my girlfriend to the hospital. It hit me when I walked into the pre-operation room and she was in a medical bed dressed in surgery garb, blue head cap and body cover. She already looked sick, but she wasn't. I felt an apprehension. I would take her place if I could, I thought to myself. She was naturally afraid. She had been afraid ever since she knew what we had to do, and what would be done to her body.

So they took her from me to perform surgery. I began to pray and the melancholy overcame me. I could not hold back the tears and sobs, but I was in a hospital with people everywhere. I couldn't find a place to be alone so I left the building to go to my car. Thank God it was a sunny day, because there was a dark rain cloud over my soul that was tormenting me. I was obligated to mourn, and the sun helped to dry my tears and sorrows.

I smoked a little marijuana thinking it would help. I don't know if it did, but I wrote like a mad-man, which kept me from balling, at least for part of the time. I begged Life, God, and the Earth for forgiveness, over and over. A world of feelings, thoughts, and questions passed through me. In the end most of them didn't matter much, for the dreaded act was being done. Had I learned my lesson?

It seemed like a season had passed before I was with her again. The staff at Kaiser can be somewhat incompetent, for she had been waiting for me, fully conscious, for an hour. Her eyes were red with grief, as were mine. But one of us had to be strong right now; it had to be me. She wept and I kept mine in as best I could. A tear would occasionally break my emotional grip, and slowly run down my face. I would quickly wipe it away as to not magnify the guilt we both felt.

We had talked about keeping it so many times. But things would get a little rough between us, and she would change her mind, telling me that she would not keep it. This would wrench my heart, for every time that she told me she was going to keep it, my heart would become a bird, and fly into springtime, singing. I had never imagined or felt anything as magical as that – the miracle of a child…my child.

We both knew that now was not the ideal time, but we both wanted it. I had faith in our ability to make the trinity work, even if her, and my love-life did not. We might not get along as perfect lovers, but we were adult and responsible enough to make a good team. I was convinced, which contrasted with her doubts and fears. She would get hung-up dwelling on all that was not, the bad that might be, and things we did not have. It was a difference in life experiences I guess.

Much to my despair she doesn't want to see me right now. I understand, but I don't. I want to take care of her, know that she has everything she needs, and wipe the tears from her heart. If only she would let me be with her until the pain passed, I would feel better about all of this. I'm in mourning also, but I can only imagine how she is feeling. It wasn't my body that was full of magic for so many days, and it wasn't by body that had the magic torn from it. There are scars everywhere now… on our hearts, on our consciences, in her body, on my soul, on Life. For all women who have ever had to get an abortion, and the men that fathered the life, let's take it real slow next time, and think deeper before giving ourselves to pleasure. And to the Black-Queen-Angel of mine for whom I write, and cry, please, please forgive me for my irresponsibility. I beg you, lift this penitence from my heart.

Here is a humble poem I wrote while I was in the prison of my soul.

If I don't write, tears will flood my eyes, and a river of sorrow will run

Why? Because I heard the voice of my seed, and felt the warmth of its sun

Never before had this boy felt so alive and satisfied, like a new man inside

The thought of having a child, a babygirl if MotherGod would bless this time

No marriage, but I would walk the desert in search of our happiness

The three of us, some days without each other, but okay if we have a kiss

Little legs of joy run towards me with Springtime and Butterflies

Precious hands on my face for all the seasons of our tree of life

Oh Golden roots of my family, planted by the woman I adore and me

Let's raise this fruit to be strong and sweet, sacrifice will set us free

But fear grips her vision of a happy home, together or not, who really knows?

Uncertainty will always be sour for the sweetness of a life in love, a purple rose

A red rose of a million pillows, Orange for joy and white for the light in your eye

And those roses so mixed up that their pedals don't know why

Like you and I, we don't know why

It is a bright and sunny day today, greeting the sun as it peaks over the hills of my back yard

Everything is green and the chickens are talking about how beautiful the day is going to be, and laying eggs in my backyard

My Queen has risen before me to wash her body and begin the journey

Since last night the light in her eyes has been dim, and it hurt me

Her body is a palace of mystery, complex, powerful, and full of creation

Oh how my eyes have changed their ways of looking at my imagination

She is an oasis of abundant life and sweet water that calms my thirst, in this desert

Walking and working on a path man has made for women to be hurt, I love her

The car ride is strange and cold, even foolish towards the bend

Confused feelings have little control over who is enemy, and who is friend

But love always wins in the end

Not quite here, nor there, but pain is near because shame cares

No words can fill the void now, the heart sobs what it cannot share

Begging forgiveness to the Goddess of Life, Oh creator of day and night

Forces that unite to help me look through the darkness, to see some light

The people are my brothers and sisters, other Queens and Kings, like she and me

Decision makers and path takers, full of flaws and good things, like she and me

I sing praise to the Goddess of Life, the Magic Earth that makes all seeds grow

Sacred woman of all mens' life, if we can't do right, my brothers, we shouldn't sow

Why? The man is an animal with a planting stick that makes him feel rich and strong

But ego has put heavy chains around our duty to sacrifice, and do her garden no harm

I will do anything for her, build a road of roses from her feet to the stars

If she'll just let me kiss her hand of forgiveness, and take her tears to baptize my heart

I say, Pain please go away, torment me no longer for mistakes that we all make

But pain stays to make my home a cave, watching me dig for a remedy that God doesn't make

I wonder if caffeine will dry up my tears, I drink big to medicate

A little herb will help me through this, I whisper to myself, but only aggravates

If I have destroyed then I must create, and mourn hard until the morning

Writing words of pain in a ball of confusion, through the night and storm

What kind of man am I?

Telling life that now is not the time

What do I know about death?

That makes me think this is best

What will happen now, will we fall or rise?

Am I fool for passion, or can my love be wise?

I will forever be the planter of a sacred seed in sacred land

I will remember for eternity, to feel the freedom of being a good man

Rightfully responsible to taste the bitterness of fruits I fail to plan

Because I never want to let this happen again

A man is not a man if he cannot control his sex

A child is a miracle and bundle of magic things

It's called happiness, and a love that is always free

A love that is always free, my child's name was happiness

Happiness, please forgive me

Mother of Life, please help me forgive me