The Tao of Doing Time
Proverbs from a Caged Mind
By Amadaeus

Surviving honorably in circumstances not your own can be gut wrenching, terrifying and even deadly. It can also be a beautiful opportunity to rethink your life and to right your wrongs. But most of all to think beyond yourself and appreciate, revere, and cherish those you love, and tolerate those you don't.

Being locked up can be a test of courage of wits, enduring cold isolation, disrespect, violence and compromising your own standard of friendship. You have to maintain courage in the face of heavy opposition, portraying strength even at your breaking point, while keeping your head in the face of liars, cheats, manipulators, thieves, rapists and murderers.

Incarceration is necessary in some cases, and in others it is not. When used as a revenue tool for a corrupt city and county government it is cruel and unneeded. And for some of us it is a chance to wake up, get right, and purify our mind, body, and spirit. I am of this category. Sometimes when life is too easy, we skate by in abundance and we loose the will to do for ourselves, we mistreat those we love, we destroy what we hold the most sacred.

Many times in jail, you are put in a maelstrom of movement, conversation, hostility, and inside jokes. It is hard to know where to place one self. In the earliest of stages you will be put in a cage, room, cell, fish bowl with other roommates. The best thing to do is to find your own area and avoid eye contact. In the same step, do not look afraid, if someone looks at you acknowledge it and turn away. This is a time for you to think about your case. You will hear conversations all around you of never ending topics like who knows who from where, who's getting with whose cousin. But it's not good to jump into other people's mix. Even if you know somebody they are referring to, actually especially if you know the third party. If something's funny laugh, but only if nobody is the butt of the joke. If you are an outgoing person, tell jokes. Nobody wants to stab the funny guy. But, if you have a knack of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, and can't fight like a boxer, just chill. If you do decide to be funny, watch for the guys who care what others think. If it's a bunch of young, weak-minded, hard core, tough talking youngsters, be especially wary, because there is usually one in that group that wants to look bad. His friends usually play on this, and this makes him want someone weaker to contrast against. Avoid this dude, or you may end up with a murder case on your jacket.

With conflicts, peace and diplomacy is always the best route. You can usually get away with being funny, clowning on yourself and showing personality. But unfortunately, fighting may be a reality you come up against. If you feel backed into a wall and you feel uncomfortable, attack. One rule of thumb, is never throw just one punch. If you are willing to throw one, expect to throw twenty. Most bullies don't expect to be smashed in the mouth mid-sentence. Violence is the last resort and it's only good for setting an example. And even the most fervent pacifist needs to come to terms with protecting ones personal space. This area is a full circle arms length around you. If you were in the woods, and a wolf tries to eat you, you would have to defend yourself right? In here, the wolves wear smiles. But all in all, diplomacy works 99% of the time.

If there is a running joke, a “hell yeah,” “you feel me,” or “yarraddaa mean” can go a long way. If a certain person says something hella funny, or something you wanna know more about, pull them aside later and hit them up, or tell them it was a good one. It's usually good to know, or at least know of, a little bit of everybody. So if something happens, you end up with that much more of a chance of having somebody on your side. It's a good to have a lil' juice with everybody and to offend no one. Also, in jail everybody wants you to join with them, but be cautious and take your time. See what's what and who's who, because some choices are final.

The police in jail are not your friends, they don't want to hear what you think and will usually make you sorry you had a question. The best advisors are the older inmates, artists, and jokers. Wait 'til a good time and simply ask. Most of the time older inmates are more knowledgeable, calmer, and will be real about life. Artists aren't in the middle of things, are more level headed, and will more often than not take a minute to kick some knowledge. A joker is usually a good natured guy, and they'd rather smile than frown, which is a good sign. Always be aware of the guy who always wants to make a deal and talks too fast. Literally “hustle” means they make a profit while you get ripped off. Remember that a dollar can't be made that somebody else didn't loose.

Food in jail is horrible, even horses and sheep eat better. It is bland combinations of mystery meat, too much salt, powdered eggs, instant potatoes, and other things that have no name. The feeding times are strange, and you're likely to be hungry, so charge it to the game and bottoms up. A good strategy is to mix it all up, even the mayonnaise, it sounds gross but it will help.

Now about your girl outside, not much you can do but make things worse. Be funny and tell her about your hopes and dreams for freedom. You always need a solid woman to get you through the hard times. Without someone special, you will start not to care, you'll start snapping, and perhaps do something you'll regret, so maintain a healthy relationship with somebody.

Court is the biggest way people get screwed up. The whole system is set up to swindle, violate, and destroy you as a person. The way they do it is by waking you up five hours early, keeping you in a cold room with fifty other inmates, and without food. After all that, they will send you some public defender to tell you that they'll release you if you take a deal. This amounts to 90% of the conviction rate. Even if you have the means to clear your name, most people plead guilty just to get out and get back to work.

Above all, never wave time if you are innocent, if they're gonna mess with you, make 'em do it in 30 days or less.

-- Written from administrative segregation in Santa Clara County Jail's fourth floor double red.

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