Should I Be a Suicide Girl?
Story by Erin Traylor

Having big plans about moving out while being out of work, is a desperate situation. It forces you to think creatively about how you are going to feed your wallet. Some people I know sell paintings, some sell clothes, some are making food. In my case, I was going to sell photos.

I remember hearing a lot of talk about this website called "Suicide Girls." I checked it out and saw it was a website with "Pin-Up Punk Rock and Goth Girls" featuring pictures, journals, and videos. Naively, I thought it was just pictures and profiles of pretty, confident females. But after looking around I realized the majority of the girls were nude. I pretty much lost interest, thinking it was just some sort of pornography website and moved on with life.

Suicide Girls though has recently re-entered my life.

Talking with comrades, the website would come up here and there, "Oh yeah my friend is on Suicide Girls." I disregarded the information until I started thinking about how the girls on there were around my age and not much different than I. One night I checked it out again, spent more time with it, and saw that the pictures were actually taken tastefully. I went under the model section for girls applying to be a Suicide Girl. I saw that the girls could be from all over the world, and they would make $200 per photo set. I thought about the benefits of being a Suicide Girl. Basically, getting any source of income is a big deal right now. I decided to send in an application. All you had to do on the application was send in information about yourself -- personal stats, why you want to be a Suicide Girl, if you've ever done nude modeling -- including three photos of yourself. I sent in the application more so because I was curious if I would be pretty enough. It must have been less than two hours after sending it in that I got a response. They were very interested, so now I really had to consider it.

At first I wasn't sure who I could talk to about this. I really didn't want people to look at me differently. I talked to my boyfriend. I didn't really tell him I was considering doing it, just that I had applied in curiosity to see if I would fit their taste. He had been on the site before and actually knew girls on there. We talked about its content and compared it to a regular pornography site. There was a great difference. Suicide Girls was more of artistic modeling and some of the photos didn't even feature girls in the nude. After the conversation I was more motivated to do it. I really didn't want to pose nude at all, so if I could get away with submitting a photo set in which I didn't have to parade my body, I just might. I had everything all set up to become an official Suicide Girl until I told my boyfriend my plan and asked for his thoughts, comments, and complaints.

He had a lot to say about it. His main concern was that I would later regret it down the line. Once I did it, there would be no way to take it back. Money may be important, but so is how I feel about myself. I sat with his words before making my final decision. In the end, I chose not to become a Suicide Girl. I realized that if I had any doubt about this, I shouldn't do it. Everyone would have access to my pictures to do what they wanted with them. I also thought about my plans for the future. I wouldn't want this to come back to me. I had visions of my family talking about the pictures.

In the end I am back to the beginning, being unemployed with big plans. I will have to find another creative way to fulfill my goals.