Leaving the Game
How Disability Deepened My Understanding of Life and Sex
Story by Sal Ramos Art by Pedro Paulo Viegas De Sa

"Hey man, can you feel your penis? Are you able to get it up? Can you have kids?"

I never thought I would answer these questions, but there I was, in front of a class at De Anza College a few weeks ago, talking personally about disability and sexuality.

Four years ago I was at a party in Hayward and I saw a dude I had funk with. I had a machete and was talking shit to him. I didn't see the 40 caliber semi-automatic pistol he had. He pulled it out and shot me three times, two in the chest and one in the back as I was running away -- leaving me paralyzed from the waist down. I was 16 years old. This moment changed my whole life forever, including my sexuality.

Up to that point, I was a straight player with hella fine women on the team. I was tall, dark, handsome and very cool so I thought I could get any girl I wanted. A lot of my confidence came from the fact that I was physically in great shape and thought I was really hot. I remember going to clubs, raves, parties and pulling the finest women. I would be walking down the street with my mom and women would bark at me, no joke, straight bark at me. I would turn to my mom and say, "It's hard being beautiful."

I didn't take girls seriously; I just wanted to have sex with them and move on to the next fine hoe. I didn't take into consideration their feelings, I was basically just out for myself. All that changed the day I was shot. I was no longer the picture of physical health. I was paralyzed and confined to a wheelchair feeling vulnerable and having to face body image issues. I remember thinking that my life was over and asking a friend, "How is anyone going to love me now?"

It was very hard for me to accept for the first two years. I didn't go anywhere and didn't talk to many people, including women. I just stayed home and drank and smoked weed. I gradually got back some feeling in my legs, feet and penis. It is to the credit of God that I slowly started feeling better about life and went back to school and started going out with my friends. Over time I realized that I could get it up and orgasm.

Two years ago I messed around with an old girlfriend from high school, but that was nothing serious. It was two years after my injury and until that point, I hadn't dated anyone or messed around with anybody. I would avoid people and phone calls. When I would go out and some girl would talk to me or flirt I wouldn't even try to holla, I was just in a shell. But when this girl from high school called me it made me want to try and spit and be like "what up." We got together at my house and messed around. It felt really good to kiss, touch and rub another human being again. Everyone needs love, and that day I realized how important that was. It was a beautiful experience. I didn't get serious with this girl, I didn't want to. We are off and on and recently started talking again.

I was talking to another girl last spring. This also didn't work out because she wanted to get too serious and I didn't. I think she liked me more than I liked her. However, it was positive experience in that it helped me to feel better about relationships with women.

Being in a wheelchair and being sexually active is different in the sense that before I was mostly about the physical aspect of sex. It was about how I could physically dominate a woman in bed, that's how I got my pleasure. Being in a wheelchair has made me feel more self-conscience at times and this has made me come to see sex as not just a physical act, but as something very personal and emotional, spiritual even. Now, I don't just try to have sex with the finest girl with the nicest butt, I want to give that other person pleasure as well as receive it. It's not all about my pleasure alone.

A lot because of the shootings, my perspective on women has changed from when I was younger -- I have respect for them. Now I see women as equal beings as opposed to objects that are there for my pleasure. I think women are beautiful and should be treasured as partners, mothers, sisters, daughters.

It is still hard at times, but this whole thing has been a process for me, but I feel really positive about the future. I feel good about my relationships with women and I want to someday get married and have children and have a normal life. And sex is still good and pleasurable. When I first got injured all I saw was my changed body, but I hadn't seen all the other aspects of my self. What I've learned is that people care about people and even though I can't walk, I can bring a lot of joy to people and make them smile, which makes me happy.

Being in a wheelchair has made me have to look at myself more deeply, and know that I have more qualities that I didn't see then. Before I got myself self worth from the physical, but now I look more deeply at my life, others and the world.